Thinking of Topics, & Books

I have wondered what direction to take this blog. Motherhood is certainly not a boring subject, by any means. But, I feel at this point this is "just another parenting blog." I may journal about a few random subjects while I ponder this. Please comment or email me if you have topic suggestions!

My first more "random" post is to share a starting list of books on my hopeful "to read 1 day" list. The first book -- How to Read the Bible -- is recommended by a friend. I look forward to hearing more about it. I would like to delve more into my spiritual growth by studying more about scripture and being a faithful steward of the reading the Word regularly.

I know my worship should take first priority. But realistically, how does a working Mom find time? Please, offer me some suggestions for taking this leap.

Inspiration

I had followed this gal's blog that I stumbled across. Her son had a birth defect that took his life at 9 weeks and 4 days. He was born a day after Zyler on January 7. Doctors did not expect him to survive much longer after birth. These videos tell his story. Thanks be to God for the gifts of joy he shared with his parents and big sister in the time they had with him. His mother's faith and courage are awe inspiring to me. I just couldn't not share Joshua's story. Be sure to watch to the end if you're able. They've shared some beautiful stats and stories in text about him.

To Those Struggling to Conceive

To my comrades out there who are still on the journey to conceive... I came across some very beautiful and hopefully inspirational messages today. They certainly spoke to me given what I've been through emotionally and spiritually during our conception journey after the miscarriage and of course the miscarriage itself.

The first is a music video "I Would Die for That" about infertility. The song is indescribable. Any mother or mother-to-be would (or at least should) appreciate it. Grab your tissues. Here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

The second message is from evangelist Joel Osteen. His broadcast messages are now available through podcasts. You can listen or watch from his website here http://www.joelosteen.com. Look for the podcast section and search for episode #350 "Trust God to Do It His Way."

The Holy Spirit has many messages for us to hear if we just listen.

~ Much peace ~

4w 6d - Anxious

I'm getting more anxious about our ultrasound. I go back and forth from "Statistics tell us everything will be fine this time. God will take care of us. You'll see..." to "Oh my gosh, what if there is no heartbeat? What if we go back again and there is still no heartbeat? Maybe I'm destined to be 'infertile' due to recurrent miscarriage..." I'm praying for peace in these precious early and crucial weeks.

CD 11 (cycle day 11) - The Due Date

This week was our "due week" of our angel we lost in July. The actual original due date was 2/11/07 (this Sunday). It's surreal to imagine that we could be home with our tiny one already, or anxiously awaiting her arrival. I have heard that the anniversary of the miscarriage ends up being more difficult to face than the actual due date, which I think may be the case for me as well. I have prayed that God will bless us with a baby in His proper timing. Unfortunately the weeks surrounding February 11 just wasn't that time. I so wanted to be pregnant again before this date to help ease or erase any added anxiety of losing the baby, but I recognize that it wasn't necessary. God has protected us and our emotions, and the life of our unborn child who most likely would not have had a healthy or favorable quality of life had it lived even a short time.

CD 6 (cycle day 6)

I've done some research and decided to change just a few things this cycle:

• Take the herb evening primrose oil through the day of ovulation (it can possibly cause contractions so you shouldn't take after ovulation). EPO helps PMS symptoms and also our fertile "egg white cervical mucus."
• Take vitamin B6. It possibly regulates hormones in a cycle and does something to help our metabolism work more efficiently.
• Start my prenatal vitamins earlier (today).
• "Baby dance" every other day instead of every day around ovulation. ;-)
• Remember that no matter what changes I make, it's still basically up to God and His plan for us. Thanks be to God!
  

CD 3 (cycle day 3)

(Is it really February already?)

Per a dear older friend's suggestion that he wrote in a comment on our Kite Family blog, I sat down last night and had a good talk (prayer) with God. I was honest and told Him how disappointed and hurt I am about the miscarriage, and to please bless us with a baby. I also asked Him to help me find peace and more calmness and a less obsessive nature about all this fertility stuff. I know that many women face a similar obsession and I suppose it's a cycle we all need to experience before we come back down to a "plateau." So, now I have some goals of other things I want to focus on to get my mind off this subject some more.

I do feel somewhat "teased" about becoming a mother since the miscarriage happened. I thought everything was going great last June-July and then I was told that my baby stopped developing and I needed to have it scraped out of me. (D&C = "dilation & curettage") What????? I wanted to scream, "NO but I don't have cramps or bleeding, I'm still PREGNANT!!! WHY couldn’t this have happened earlier? Not 10 weeks along!" (I knew I was pregnant for 6 weeks and got attached quickly.) It was so hard to swallow and to understand, as I was totally uneducated and unprepared for that possibility.

Yet I have most definitely learned from it and now I am so grateful I have been able to conceive. It is such a mix of emotions. Even with the statistics and odds in my favor, I can't help but wonder: can I really have a baby of my own? I remain very hopeful and optimistic; however, no reassurance or medical article or statistic can truly allow me to believe 100% that I will, without a doubt, share my body with another and provide her or him the gift of life.

Waaa It's Not Fair

I know we shouldn't question God, but... I just don't get it! A friend of a friend is 6 weeks pregnant with her 3rd child. She will have an 18-mo old, an infant, and a toddler in about 9 months! She is stressed and not very happy about it yet. It's unplanned and totally an accident. She had just been fitted for a diaphram! OOPS too late! Grrrrrr! I know this woman has been praying for us and I really do wish the best for her and her family. I have to trust that God knows what's best for me and that he is walking right along with me in this journey!

Just had to vent.

12 DPO, CD 32... or CD 1? (12 days past ovulation & cycle day 32... or cycle day 1?)

Not sure if I should mark this down as CD 1 (1st day of full red flow) or not... will decide tonight. My basal temps are still going down (see my fertility chart link)...

I'm not as sad anymore but am looking ahead now to a new cycle. Mainly just really tired from a fun weekend with my friend who brought her kids and spent 2 nights with me. (Hubby is in Mexico for a 2-week trip for work.) At best I have a 25% chance of conception each month (assuming good health). So I'm thinking next month has to be it! But I'm trying so hard to give it all up to God and pray that He knows the best timing for us.

Many thanks to all of you who are praying for us! {{{{HUGS}}}}